1. Being broke, or worse, under water. Losing cash, writing unintelligible checks. Forgetting my PIN. Overdraft charges.
2. Damage to my car. Finding it sitting in the driveway with bent rims and flat tires. Realizing that it is suddenly out of alignment; not remembering hitting anything. Spills and burns on the upholstery. Too many empties under the seats to clean out in one trip.
3. Vaguely remembering arguments; then being confronted the next day regarding the seriousness of my behavior. Not being able to remember or understand. Lying.
4. High blood pressure. Racing heart. Sweating. Feeling bloated. Going days without eating. Mystery bruises, blood on the pillow. Going days without shaving, always needing a haircut. Wearing the same underwear three or four days in a row.
5. Wanting to be alone. Always. Hating the social scene. Avoiding family.
6. Waiting for the liquor store to open at 9 am. Arriving at 8:30, having been awake since 4. Shaking like a goddamn leaf. Stealing, if need be.
7. Waking in the middle of the night, knowing that I was dying. Horrified, filled will terror, knowing that I was doomed to die an alcoholic death.
8. And most of all, hearing the plaintive voices of my parents, telling me how much they worried that I would be dead soon.
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