Holiday Weekend Looming

The tension is building around here as we head into the Fourth of July weekend.  The ranks have thinned, and I doubt we will see too many more admissions until after the weekend.  One last big blowout.  I kind of wish I was out there, sitting on my deck, sipping a cold beer, master of all I survey, content and in control.  Watching the kids splash around in the Mr. Turtle pool.  Then I realize that that would not, and never has, happened.  I was the one sneaking into the garage, taking long pulls from a hidden bottle of whiskey, then trying to appear that I was drinking at the same pace as everyone at the party, sweating profusely, red-faced, talking too loud.  My ex-wife would always be confused.  "How is it that you are perfectly sober until you hit three beers, then you have to be scraped off the floor?" "No clue, hon, I'm just kind of a light weight, I guess.  But you make a good point.  I better make a trip to the liquor store before it hits me."  And off I went, two in the afternoon, probably already about a point three.  Usually with one of the kids. Christ, euphemistically my head is buried in my hands right now.  It never has to happen again.

There is a realization that one can't hope for a better past, but can plan for a better future.  I cling to that mantra.  If I didn't, if I dwelled on the past, I swear to god, I would put a bullet behind my ear. But no way, because among all of my flaws, cowardice rises to the top of the heap.  Cowardice and fear - the two emotions that drive most alcoholics to the brink.

So, here in the states, it's a big holiday weekend.  I suppose I will be safe from myself, secure in another treatment facility or a sober house.  I know for a fact that someone I know - yet to be determined - will find their way into trouble.  I just hope it doesn't end as the end.  Alright, enough of this maudlin crap.  Time for a few half-pints of ice cream and a few chapters of the latest Lee Child book.  Hey, what can I tell you?   Guilty pleasures.  Better than a handful of midazolam and a pint of Jack.