Perhaps Out of Here Tomorrow?

So, it's a bittersweet night for me.  It appears that tomorrow I will be moving on.  Frankly, my desire to stay sober just isn't there - YET.  It usually appears sometime between when I sign my discharge papers and head across campus to put in for my travel pay.  My big concern is whether or not I will have a home to go to; which, in fact, is also up in the air.

Funny, I have felt less stress with more impending problems than I do right now.  I just have a feeling that things will work themselves out.  Maybe a thirty day stay would be in order, but that option has not presented itself yet.  It sure would be nice to ingest a pint of whiskey, but that would negate all chances that may, or may not, be available to me.  Like I said before, it's a fifty/fifty chance as to what will happen tomorrow.  I am trying not to give it too much thought.

They have pumped me so full of Librium in the last four days, and the place is empty, so they may decide to keep me one more day for observation.  I am not totally opposed to that, although I gotta lay off the oatmeal cookies and ice cream.

I wonder what my (girl friend) is doing right now?  God, I miss her; I wonder if she looks back fondly or with pity.  We have some major events lined up for the summer - an MLB game in NY, a concert in the city, and a cruise in November.  Probably all shot to hell, but in the long run, it doesn't matter.  I want to live, I just don't know how to make that happen.  It is both stupefying and horribly terrifying.  Am I one of, as the recovery book says, there are those who can't get sober because they are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves?  What a bunch of bullshit.  I have yet to meet someone who is constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves, and I mean that honestly and sincerely.  But the fact is, people like me die everyday.  Shudder to think.