reflections

We remained silent as she turned the key and drove out of there.  It would take about an hour to get to the shelter, so I closed my eyes and made myself comfortable.  I was enveloped in a warm glow, and for a moment I forgot about what was in store for me. You have to take these brief respites from the crushing blows of life when you can, to recharge and prepare for the next fixture.  Something I read a long time ago came back to me.  When Bob Stinson's (of the Replacements) life was imploding, he had gone to see his ex-wife Carleen for solace.  'You have to start with what's inside you and take it from there,' she told him.  'If you don't like what you see when you look inside, find someone to help you fix that and get over it and move on.'  Bob was already too far gone and perished alone and broken.  He was in the grip, beyond the point where it is possible to fix anything.  Ask for help?  Forget it.  This flies in the face of alcoholic logic, once you start down that dark road.  Intellectually, you know you NEED help, but you simply don't want it.  In hindsight, it is horrible.

Now, it is said that you cannot intellectualize your recovery.  You have to dumb it down; keep it simple.  I am not sure about this.  When alcohol hijacks all of of your self-preservation instincts, it takes some serious intellect to recognize the danger.  'Just don't drink' becomes a hollow mantra. And yes, by the way, I CAN see what this is doing to my life.  Your point?  All logic is removed once the bottle is opened.  I am supine on a luge, feet first and out of control.  And then it hit me.  I can ask for help BEFORE I take a drink. Before intellect is tossed out the window.  And it has to be this way, otherwise I shall crash and burn.  And, when sober, that doesn't sound very appealing.

I opened my eyes just in time to see a blue Walmart sign flash by.  'Can you get off here?' I asked.  'I am going to need some shower shoes.' She braked and pointed the car toward the exit, and immediately that familiar gnawing nervousness in the pit of my stomach returned.